If you take the word “WE” and turn it upside down, it becomes “ME”. That is pretty good in itself; but I can be a very lonely place.
Until death do us part it seems like a long time before the vows are pronounced for the first time. Even as the years go by, we never want to face the fact that one day one of us will leave. I think from the beginning we are all in a constant state of denial.
My benchmark is 37 years of a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. Certainly there were ups and downs and ins and outs, but we know things happen ~~ LIFE HAPPENS! And now on reflection, the ins and outs and the ups and downs seem very insignificant.
Initially there is this “Grief Process” from which we have all learned; Shock and denial, hurt and guilt, anger, depression and the list goes on. Well I’ll tell you that I found out that these feelings and emotions don’t come in any chronological order. In fact, personally, he was determined not to entertain any of them, ever. Why? Because I believed that I had it all together and I knew where my husband was (resting in the arms of the Master). So with that being said, why should you be angry or depressed or feel pain or guilt? NOT SO!
In my determination not to allow myself to go through this ‘so called’ Dueling Process, I soon realized that it had done me great harm. To my surprise and dismay, all of these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.
Heard somewhere or read somewhere that pain is like a “roller coaster ride.” SO TRUE. He picks you up and then drops you. It twists and turns, leaving your heart in your throat and your mind in a mist.
The life I experienced with my husband ‘It wasn’t a bad trip’, but his passing put me on that ‘Roller Coaster’. There were times when it seemed like he could finally move forward and ascend. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere came a sight or a sound or a song or a smell or a picture that reminded me of my husband ~~~ and the roller coaster was hurtling down, and I found myself falling back to where I was .
Back to ~ It just can’t be …
Back to ~ I want everything to go back to how it used to be …
Back to ~ I’m really not ready to let go …..
Around me, people go on as if life were normal. And here I am thinking, how can all of you (in your now normal and perfect world) act like nothing happened? My husband is dead! Life will never be normal again! Well, I soon realized that this was not everyone else’s world, this was my world.
You may have had a similar experience. The people around you live as if everything is normal ~~ but not everything is normal for you. Your world has been turned upside down and the pain can seem excruciating. But please know that you will really get over it. When? You may ask ~~~ believe me, “when” is not a factor. We all progress on different levels.
Unlike what I did, allow yourself to cry and I mean cry however you want (scream, scream, cry, whatever). Allow yourself to remember and reflect as is best for you.
Don’t rush and don’t let people rush you. Share the pain of your grief with confident people who will truly listen to you and truly appreciate what you have lost. Every time you open up and share with someone (who really understands) you are slowly letting go of the pain. And when you let go of the pain ~~ you allow healing to occur.
I’ve come to see the pain go away little by little ~~ moment by moment, day by day ~ for as long as it takes. You need to focus on all the good things about your spouse and your marriage, because I’ll tell you right now, most of the things that I got mad about and mad at my husband, I could probably put a thimble.
Please understand that there will always be a warm place in your heart that you can never replace. But know that your heart is big enough to love again. It will get to a point where you really want and need to move on.
After almost six years since the loss of my husband, I finally reached a turning point in my grief. A very dear friend came back into my life after almost 40 years. I found myself laughing again and felt a flash of joy; I was realizing that yes, I can do it and I will do it! I am ready to rebuild ~~
The rebuilding of our lives really begins the moment we lose our loved one. However, rebuilding doesn’t really begin in earnest until we’ve examined most of the feelings, memories, and problems that resulted from our loss. When we have sifted and classified all these feelings and emotions, only then will we have the strength and balance to begin to put our whole being back into life and look to the future.