I sometimes hear from wives that their husband is beginning to show signs of a midlife crisis. Sometimes he exhibits silly and problematic behavior, such as trying to dress fashionable, buying a new car, or getting what he thinks is a new haircut or a new way of talking. He may show some interest in exercising or looking his best, or in doing new things he thinks are exciting while he still has a chance to do them. This can feel like a rejection at times, especially if you seem particularly distant, cold, or not so receptive to you, your marriage, or what you stand for. But some husbands take this even further and come to believe that their marriage, wife, or life as it currently exists is holding them back or holding them back. Sometimes they will go so far as to ask for a break, a separation, or eventually even a divorce.
I recently heard from a wife who admitted, “Since my husband turned 45, he’s been obsessed with how he lives his life and how much time he has left to enjoy it. He’s started going out more, exercising more, and has picked up new hobbies.” and crazy like skydiving and motorcycling. When I mention this, ask him about it, or show concern, he tells me I don’t understand and refuse to grow up with him. I’m opposed to him growing up or being happy, but I also have no interest in try to recapture my youth or act silly. Apparently, we can’t agree to disagree on this because my husband understands that this means we can’t be happy together, thanks to his new lifestyle. He told me this week past that he wants a separation because he just doesn’t see us living happily together since we have different views and values.What I really mean is that we have different lifestyles because he has decided to go and you having a mid-life crisis, but I can’t say this. My children are ashamed of the way their father is acting. And I don’t want to separate my family or get divorced. I wish I could do something to make him see that all this breakup talk is simply because he wants to restore his glory days long gone. What I can do?”
I get a lot of emails like this. Sometimes it is the husband who writes and other times it is the wife. But no matter who it is, it is a spouse who has grown cold, distant, or who wants a break or separation due to a “midlife” crisis or a change in lifestyle or values. Many of the spouses are looking for a way to make their spouse see that this phase will eventually pass and that their marriage and her family is not worth giving up. When my husband and I split up, it was pretty obvious that he thought being married was something that kept him from having fun. So I have a definite take on this, which I’ll share below.
Even if you know for sure that your husband is having a mid-life crisis, you don’t want to keep making that accusation because it will put him on the defensive: We both may know that men of a certain age have what is commonly known as a midlife crisis. And, the signs of this can be quite clear. One day, your husband could be the guy you’ve always known and loved. And the next day, you could be looking at a strange fool who is trying to hold on to the last bits of his youth. It can be frustrating to wait and see how this happens. In fact, it’s downright embarrassing at times. But, here’s the thing. While his behavior may be very obvious to you, it is often not so obvious to him. And no one wants to admit that he’s being an old fool who acts embarrassing to those he loves.
But when your husband’s midlife crisis no longer becomes that awkward, awkward little phrase, but instead becomes a threat to your marriage, you may find yourself in a position where you can no longer just sit back and watch idly. . You feel the need to bring her behavior to her attention as the first step in saving your marriage. This is understandable. But you also have to understand that she probably won’t want to admit what’s happening to her. Once you use the phrase “midlife crisis,” there’s a good chance she’ll get defensive and throw an insult or two at you. And what’s worse, he might start to see you as the old stick in the mud that’s trying to get in his way of having a good time. She may think that in order to really enjoy her life, she has to get away from you. So while you wait out this midlife crisis, it’s important to show him (and yourself) that he can still have fun with you.
Try to find a compromise that is acceptable to both of you: A serious problem with this situation is that both parties may feel that they have to pretend to be someone they are not in order to live in harmony within the marriage. The husband may think that the wife wants him to put a limit on her enjoyment of her new lifestyle. And the wife may feel that she suddenly has to pretend to be the life of the party or indulge in youthful activities that she might have enjoyed twenty years ago but that she finds utterly silly today.
These two lifestyles may seem contradictory when you look at them at first glance. But many couples can find a happy medium. Do you know the phrase opposites attract? Well, it may be true here. The couple can take turns doing things the other enjoys. It wasn’t going to be the end of the world if the wife got on the back of the motorcycle from time to time simply because she loved her husband and she wanted to spend time doing something he enjoyed. And, the husband might agree to spend quiet evenings at home sometimes for the good of the family. These types of compromises create balance and can ultimately create flavor.
And if your husband still insists on wanting a separation even when you’re making these concessions, then you might offer him more “space” while he’s still living at home. This way, she’s still home and hopefully she will be once this whole midlife crisis thing starts to wind down.
A husband’s midlife crisis doesn’t always last forever: Wives often ask me when or if the midlife crisis is going to end. Sometimes, it fades, at least to a degree. This type of crisis is usually a man dealing with his own aging and mortality and his response to the feeling that life is slipping away from him. So he’s trying to make some changes so he can live his life more fully. Of course, he can still live his life fully and stay married to you. And this is what your behavior should show him.
If nothing else, use this as a catalyst to spice up your marriage a bit and add some excitement to your life. That way, this troublesome time would actually have made an improvement and a positive change in your life instead of bringing detrimental changes your way. Try to see this as an opportunity to examine your own life and what you want out of it. Because if you can, maybe both of you can make some positive changes and commitments in your life and within your marriage.