Being “vulnerable” means opening your heart, soul, emotions and mind. It means admitting that you are wrong, that you need help, and then asking for help, guidance, and support. It means putting yourself out there, on the line.
I remember going through my divorce being afraid that the ex was going to try to take my daughter away from me, try to get more than his “fair” share of money, and then refuse to let me see my daughter after the divorce.
This fear consumed me and became my main focus. No wonder things were getting worse!
That’s when I did some work to gain Clarity that what I really wanted for my three-year-old daughter was to be the best father, the best father that I could be to her no matter what was going on so that I could create an environment where she she was thriving, even if her mother refused to work together to co-parent!
I stepped up and shared with my ex that I was going to do my best to stay calm and be the best father I could be, no matter what, because our daughter was too important to me to allow myself to react anymore. Angel.
That’s when the underlying dynamic between me and the ex began to improve.
This was also when the two of us began to set a better example for our daughter and teach her through our examples.
No, we didn’t always agree. Yes, we were almost always able to work things out.
I had to learn patience and not take things personally.
Just today I saw a wonderful quote… “Patience is not waiting, patience is how you act while you wait.”
Realizing when your ex reacts with anger, disdain, disrespect, etc., that this is the result of their own past experiences and conditioning, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, is life changing. You have simply served as a trigger in the moment.
These realizations led to life-changing lessons for me, and especially for my now 23-year-old daughter, who is now thriving in the real world.
Most people are afraid that when they open up, someone will hurt them. In the divorce, that someone would be the ex.
Men tend to think that they can figure things out on their own. And men usually don’t want to ask for help.
Why? I think this is because we don’t want to admit that we are weak and that we are afraid to be open and vulnerable. Men tend to think that vulnerability is a sign of weakness.
The reality is that being vulnerable requires calm, true strength of character, and courage.
When you can begin to let go of the selfish part of you that prevents you from sharing in an open and vulnerable way, the positive impact on you and your children can be huge and absolutely transformational.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to STOP sowing seeds of emotional trauma through their reactive behavior.
How are things going in your divorce situation?
Are they what you would really like them to be? Or, like me when I was going through my divorce, do you feel consumed by frustration, anger, resentment, and anxiety?
Do your fears lead you to react to your ex almost every time the two of you try to talk, and this leads him to react with anger towards you?
As a parent, it is time to step up and commit to becoming more aware and begin taking personal responsibility for your choices, actions, and reactions, and the consequences of each.
When someone is being vulnerable, it makes them much more relatable, easier to listen to, and easier to trust.
However, it’s not just divorce dads. Moms think that if they are too open and vulnerable, the ex will take advantage of them and try to hurt them even more.
And yes, this can happen. But when it does, the main thing that happens is that the children are caught in the middle of the emotional and psychological dynamic, the triad, so to speak.
It is a triad because there is the mother, the father and the children.
Children are the innocent victims of divorce because they have no say in what is happening around them, and what is happening shocks them with every reactionary turn.
I believe that when divorce becomes downright unpleasant due to constantly reactive behavior, accusations and threats, these individual parents are actually being completely self-centered. They are putting themselves first because they believe they have been wronged, so they react, often with venomous anger, even spite.
When this happens, the individuals most negatively affected are the children of the divorce.
Be clear about what you really want for your children and spend some time clearly clarifying what it will take for YOU to believe it…even if the ex refuses to work with you to co-parent.
It may take two to tango, but it only takes one parent to make a positive difference.
I know you agree that your children are worth it for you to be a bigger, clearer, braver and stronger, open and vulnerable person by sharing what you really want with your ex and asking him what he really wants. for your children
Our children are the reason he is so much bigger than us. They need us to step up and STOP reactionary behavior. They need you to be the best parent you can be, and they deserve it.
This is why vulnerability is so important. Close your eyes and breathe slowly and deeply. Hold on while you reflect on what you want for your children…
Now breathe out through your mouth and smile as you think of your children and how much they mean to you.
My 3-year-old son meant the world to me, and I knew in that moment of deep self-reflection that she needed me to step up, let go, and commit to being the best father, the best father I could be. to be for her, in the way that she needed me to be hers.
By being vulnerable, he was being more relatable. This helped me realize that I first needed to forgive myself for the role I had played before our divorce.
And then, that she needed to forgive the ex for the role she had played. Yes, each of us had been reacting and had played a part in leading to our inevitable divorce.
These lessons have changed who I am, they have changed my life. They certainly helped change everything for my daughter.
What is your self-actualization and what is the resulting commitment that will lead you to create a divorce environment where your children will thrive?