I often hear parents say, “I just ignore Jr. when he has a fit or yells.”
Although there may be times when this is appropriate, it is not when Jr. is under 5 years old! Why? Because your child needs to be trained in proper and acceptable behavior. Yelling to get your way is not appropriate or acceptable! If your child is screaming to get something, there are reasons why he is doing it and I’m warning you that he may not like it.
First, your child has been taught to yell. That’s right, he taught. I know it’s not nice and I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but bear with me…it’s true, you taught him to yell! As babies begin to gain their independence, they develop personal tastes for food, people, their environment, and even situations. In other words, they begin to know what they want in life. The problem? They have a limited number of ways to communicate what they want because they have not yet mastered the language. So what do they do? They wave their arms, stamp their feet, point, make noise, and when that doesn’t work, they come together and let out a blood-curdling scream. Oh!
What is your job?
Guess what??? Mom comes running and often dad and sister too! Then the child screams more. If they want something else? They scream again. The problem is that if he reacts to this shout by moving faster, he will temporarily stop. It will stop until the child decides that he wants something else. In reality, reacting by moving faster will make the screams worse! Oof again, right? The child will condition you to move a little faster and then? Then he begins to anticipate the child’s needs so that he doesn’t scream at all. Does the word servant come to mind here? Wrong! Soon enough, the child starts yelling at everything and sees that it works much better than the new language he’s learning, so he yells instead of talking! Oh! Next thing you know, mom and dad are yelling at each other to stop yelling. Sounds familiar?
Do you want to know the rules so that the madness stops? (see definition of madness here)
Rule #1 Don’t ignore it.
This is the number one thing I hear parents say they do. It is your job as a parent to teach and coach the child’s own behavior. If you ignore the cries of disgust, the child doesn’t know the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Children need to know the limits if you want happy, independent and responsible children. Do you see happy people screaming to get their way? Only unhappy adults do that! If you really want your children to grow up to respect other people (including you), you need to teach them “why” yelling is disrespectful to others. They need the “why” behind the discipline. Train them not to yell, and then give them the reason why they shouldn’t yell. Remember to speak at their level. You could say, “Other people don’t want to hear you scream, their ears hurt. You need to learn to control your emotions and make yourself happy. We all need to respect each other’s rights in order to get along.” What you are really doing is teaching them to master themselves. It’s a young lesson in self-control. Mom and dad can ignore the yelling and bashing, but do we all have to put up with your kid’s yelling? Ignore is not the answer.
How do you do it?
Now that you know why you should teach your child not to yell, how do you do it? Tell the child in a calm, level voice to stop raising their voice. Put your index finger firmly over his mouth and place it somewhere out of the way. In our home we use the bottom step of our ladder. The child should sit on the step until he is ready to ask in a friendly voice what he wants. The child is always in control of the time frame. It is his decision to stop yelling and ask nicely. As a parent, you are there for guidance. You are simply making it inconvenient for them to yell. This is an incentive for them to change their own bad behavior and prevents power struggles. If he gets up from the step and is still screaming… take him back and sit him there over and over again until he gets it. If he calls your name and asks if he can get up, explain in a pleasant voice that it’s his choice when he gets up and that he can get up when he changes his mind and decides not to yell anymore.
Rule #2 Be consistent.
If you are in a store or public area. Again, put your finger firmly over his mouth and say, “No, you can’t yell, you have to use a nice voice and ask for whatever you want.” (If the child is too young to talk, consider teaching him the basic signs to politely ask for what he wants. See future issues for more information on baby signs.) If he continues to yell, stand firm and discipline him according to the parenting plan he is currently working on. If he hasn’t created his parenting plan, he may not have a course of action for this behavior. I would encourage you to get one. (See our parenting plan, Family by Design) If you don’t have a plan, you’re bound to fall into emotional parenting and that’s not good for you or the child.
Rule #3 Don’t yell at your child.
Gandhi said it perfectly when he said, be the change you want to see in other people. This is especially true with his children. Be what you want them to be because they will be what you are. Learn to control yourself and your emotions and your children will reflect it back to you.
Rule #4 Never, never, never, NEVER give in to yelling.
It is your job as a parent to teach your child to be aware of others around them and to respect their rights. He is not the center of the universe. Please don’t treat your child like he is or he will be an unhappy adult. If you really love him, teach him how to get along with others by teaching him the importance of proper behavior.
The next time you’re tempted to ignore the yelling, ask yourself: Do you like hearing someone else’s child yell to get their way? I do not think so.