Making the decision to start dating after divorce can be very emotional for you. The thought can be exciting, scary, happy, or even sad. But what about the feelings your children may have about it?
One of the most important aspects to consider when considering your children’s reactions is how long they have been divorced.
This has a huge impact on children. Divorce research has shown time and time again that children take much longer than you to deal with all the changes that come as a result of a divorce. By the time you’re thinking about dating again, he may still be reeling from the divorce.
Your relationship makes this whole divorce thing that much more real. Before that, you and your other parent just didn’t live in the same house. From a child’s perspective, that means there’s still a chance that things will change and go back to “normal” (even though you’ve told them a hundred times that it won’t).
Once they know you’re dating someone else, the purpose of the divorce becomes much clearer. It’s NOT just that you’re not in the same house right now. It’s that someone else can “replace” her other parent.
If this happens too soon, it can be overwhelming for children. They are still grieving the loss of their former family, and it seems to them that you are already trying to replace it with another family. Even if it’s just a first date with someone, kids will feel that way.
Another aspect that complicates matters is whether an affair is what broke up the marriage. If they start dating too soon, the kids may start to wonder if that was the reason for the divorce. This won’t get you and your new partner off on the right foot with your kids.
For all of these reasons, be prepared for your children to be upset to some degree by your dating. Does that mean you shouldn’t start dating? Not necessarily. But I’ll offer you these questions if you’re dating less than 4 months after your divorce is final (the key word in that sentence is FINAL):
1. Why now?
2. What do you expect when you go out again?
3. What have YOU done for yourself to help you heal after your divorce?
4. How well do you get along with your ex-spouse?
If the answers to these questions revolve around fear of being alone, not really feeling the need to remember the previous marriage, and there is still a lot of conflict between you and your ex-spouse, then I suggest you wait a bit before dating. Not only are your kids not ready, neither are you.