Quick… what song won an Academy Award for song of the year in 1959?
If you know that trivia, congratulations! It was the song, High Hopes in the movie Hole in the Head (not the most famous movie, I admit). The song became more popular after Frank Sinatra recorded it in 1961.
In the wake of today’s turbulence, the lyrics seem banal:
The next time they find you, with your chin on the ground,
There’s a lot to learn, so look around.
Just what makes that little old ant
Do you think it will move that rubber tree plant?
Anyone knows that an ant can’t move a rubber plant,
But he has high hopes, he has high hopes…
And an ant probably can’t move a rubber plant on its own, but if you stay hopeful enough, your chance of success increases, because with a hopeful attitude, inspiration has a place to strike. And with hope, resilience reigns. Without it, despair can paralyze and slow effective solutions to a halt.
High hopes may seem like a myth when we look around us today at all the suffering, the defragmentation, the unhappiness and the fear, the terror and the paranoia. Yet brain research continues to accumulate data that hopeful people are more effective problem solvers. In addition, it is very clear that what we pay attention to grows. And conversely, what we do not pay attention to shrinks. If we focus on our hope, our hope grows. If we’re awash in despair… well, that, of course, takes away our hope.
Are we seeing our son’s strengths or are we overwhelmed by his lack of motivation? If we don’t pay attention to his strengths, they will surely not grow and the motivation “problem” will surely increase. Are we noticing our daughter’s thoughtfulness or do we always comment on her bad temper? That is the way to grow a bad mood. The human brain is not a capricious device that acts at random. No, it acts according to a finely tuned set of principles. And one of those fundamental principles is that the focus of our attention, to a large extent, creates the reality that we experience. This is not New Age gibberish, although the New Ages have capitalized on this fascinating aspect of our brain’s operating system. There has been a lot of academic research on the subject. In fact, Appreciative Inquiry, one of the cornerstones of the PCI coaching model, is a process methodology that stems from this research. Appreciative Inquiry itself has been researched to work powerfully because it applies strategies taking into account the propensities of the human brain.
The fact is that hope will increase, if we pay attention to hopeful events. Soon enough, there are more hopeful things to talk about and our talk is filled with more hope. With more hope in front of us, we detect it in others and in our world more often and more quickly. Before we know it, the negatives are shrinking from lack of attention and the positives have increased, almost like magic! Of course, then we have more hope… the upward spiral continues… more good things happen.
Our world greatly challenges us to shift our attention to what holds hope, to what brings and enhances life. And I think it profoundly affects our upbringing. How can we stay focused on hope, on the positive, and on what is working in our daily lives with our children?
Here are five considerations for hopeful parenting in difficult times.
In his research, CR Synder (The Psychology of Hope, The Free Press, 1994) found these important indicators:
1. Hopeful parents know how to get what they want. They are determined and enjoy being enterprising and flexible, especially in difficult times. Determination can be found in having a clear vision of what we want for our children and our families. Determination means having the mental energy and physical stamina to stay with a challenge long enough to sweat out an effective solution. If we give up, we can be sure to be defeated. Your self-care goes a long way in helping you stay determined when the going gets tough. Pay attention to the signs when you feel like giving up. Instead, think about what you can give yourself and your children that will focus on your inner strengths and improve your perseverance.
2. Hopeful parents listen well. Listening and paying close attention to our children’s strengths increases our flexibility to change course if our parenting strategy isn’t getting the results we’re looking for. We can often learn from our children what is needed once we follow our instincts and answer this question from our integrity: What will bring more life to this situation? As we look at our children from this perspective, we may suddenly realize many things we can do to give them a sense of accomplishment, appreciate their present talents, and look to the future with hope.
3. Children view hopeful parents as successful. It seems that hopeful parents demonstrate their autonomy by feeling successful. This definition of success is not the definition that seems to matter to our world: big house, big car, lots of money, etc. Rather, success is measured as “Having high self-esteem and positive self-images.” This affects children on many levels: positive parents with high self-esteem grow hopeful, happy, self-confident children with high self-esteem!
4. Hopeful parents comfort each other well. When things get scary or really tough, hopeful parents comfort kids and act supportively during high-stress situations. Being there emotionally is a characteristic of parents who are more hopeful. You do not allow negative energies to affect your ability to be present and available to your children. They are able to keep negativity at bay so that children do not translate it as: “There is no time for me.” Anxiety-laden parents cannot be responsive to children’s emotional needs. Hopeful parents instill trust and openness in the parent-child communication process, keeping those doors open, even during the teen years!
5. Hopeful parents support children’s autonomy and competence. This does not mean that everything goes. What it does mean is that by focusing on what the child does well every day, the parent builds a strong sense of self in the child over time. With that comes the conviction in the child of his talents and abilities. In the words of one of the children in Synder’s research: “The most important thing I remember about my parents is that they taught me to do things for myself. But I always knew that they would be there for me if I got into trouble. ..If I messed up something, they would talk to me and not me.”
The bottom line of high hopes parenting, it seems, is that it can help us stay our best, even in difficult times, and bring out the best in our children.
Then everything is possible… for us, our children… even our world.
Copyright Gloria DeGaetano, 2010. All rights reserved.