Codependency robs us of self and self-love. We have learned to hide who we really are because we grew up indulging, rebelling, or alienating dysfunctional parents. This prepares us for trauma. As adults, even if we are successful in some areas, our emotional life is not easy. In search of security and love, most of us struggle to get in or out of a relationship. We can stay in unhappy or abusive relationships or try to make painful ones work. Many of us would be happy to find relief from ongoing anxiety or depression.
Trauma after a breakup
However, leaving a relationship is not the end of our problems. After initially rejoicing and reveling in newfound freedom, there is often grievance, regret, and sometimes guilt. We may still love the same person whom we are grateful to have left. We may no longer talk to estranged friends or relatives, even children we still love or care about. These are unexpected losses that must be accepted.
Not having contact doesn’t necessarily end the pain either. The trauma of abuse is not over. Our self-esteem has surely suffered. We may lack confidence or feel unattractive. The abuse can continue in a new relationship, or by family members, by an ex with whom we are co-parents, or through children who have been harmed or armed.
As difficult as it was to break an abusive relationship, it can still haunt us (sometimes even after the abuser is dead). One day, often decades later, we learn that we have traumatic post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) scars from abuse that we thought we had left behind. We might have nightmares and become risk averse or hesitant to love again. It is not easy to “leave” forever.
Fearful of re-experience abuse, neglect, or loss of autonomy, many codependents become counterdependent. However, our inability to be alone and/or our low self-esteem can cause us to make poor decisions again. Out of fear, we may settle for someone “safe,” who is not right for us and to whom we would never commit.
But despite our intentions, we rejoin and find it hard to leave. We do not trust ourselves and we wonder if the problem is ours or our partner’s. And while we have vowed never again to let anyone abuse us, some of us may once again be betrayed, abandoned, or abused in ways we did not anticipate. We have to drop everything again.
This cycle of abandonment can make us fear intimacy. If we choose to be alone, our needs for love and closeness go unmet. Loneliness can trigger toxic shame from childhood when we feel lonely and loveless or loveless. It may seem like there is no hope or escape from our misfortune.
The core of codependency
We did not expect that after coming out of denial, courageously setting boundaries, and leaving unhealthy or abusive relationships, we would have to face the core of codependency. Our codependent symptoms have been coping mechanisms that masked our basic challenge:
How to fill our emptiness Y loneliness with self love
In part, this reflects the human condition, but for codependents these feelings are connected to trauma. Our insecurity, self-alienation, and lack of self-love and self-care skills fuel addictive relationships and habits that cause us recurring emotional pain.
RealRecovery
Just as addicts turn to an addiction to avoid unpleasant feelings, codependents get distracted and lost by focusing on others or a relationship as sources of well-being. If we stop doing that, often not by choice but isolation or rejection, we may discover depression and feelings of loneliness and emptiness that we have been avoiding all along. We keep recycling our codependency until we address our deepest pain.
Healing requires that we turn our attention inward and learn to become our own best friend, because our relationship with ourselves is the template for all of our relationships.
With some insight, we discover that we are quite self-critical and have not treated ourselves with kindness and self-compassion. In fact, we have been abusing ourselves all along. This is actually a positive revelation. Our mission is clear: Learn to relate to ourselves in a healthier way. Our tasks are:
- Revitalize our connection with our internal signals, our guidance system, to trust ourselves.
- Identify and honor our needs and feelings.
- Feed and comfort ourselves. self love meditation.
- meet our needs
- Heal our shame and affirm our authentic selves.
- Take responsibility for our pain, safety, and pleasure.
Follow established recovery plans and attend Codependents Anonymous (CoDA meetings) and work the Twelve Steps. PTSD and trauma do not resolve themselves. Seek trauma counseling.
©Darlene Lancer 2019