As Christians, we are told to have “brotherly love” for one another. This brotherly love is understood as the closest version of platonic love. In the Gospels, Jesus instructs the disciples to “love one another as brothers.” However, many brothers in the Bible did not treat each other with love. He considers the following:
Cain and Abel
Esau and Jacob
Rachel and Leah
Joseph and his older brothers
Moses and his stepbrothers
With all the examples, there is no doubt that acting in brotherly love is a difficult challenge for anyone. Teach the parents of rival children to continue instilling in them a sense of love that is not limited, that does not diminish according to the number of children. And instruct parents to be patient—sometimes feelings of jealousy and competition go away on their own over time.
Here are some things you can suggest to parents to help lessen or eliminate sibling rivalry.
Don’t show favoritism.
Ask any son or daughter who is the favorite child in their family and you will get an answer. Sibling favoritism offends and infects a child’s heart and leads to feelings of inferiority, anger, resentment, and even bitterness. The biblical story of Esau and Jacob is an excellent example of how favoritism harms a family. We learn in the book of Genesis (25:28) that the father of the children, Isaac, preferred Esau while the mother favored Jacob. This led to deception between the parents and Jacob stealing Esau’s birthright and blessing.
Do not compare
Most siblings are already very sensitive to the competitive aspects of their relationships with brothers and sisters. Rather than wondering how good I am at this, they ask: Am I better than my brother/sister at this? Therefore, it is best for parents to avoid directly comparing their children to each other. Direct the parents to comment on the gifts and uniqueness of their children apart from their siblings. For example, while it’s nice to say that Jane is great at soccer and David is a wizard at the piano. it’s not cool to say that Jane is better than David at soccer, and David kicks Jane’s butt at music.
Counter feelings of jealousy: Jealousy is often at the heart of sibling rivalry. If an older sibling is jealous of a younger sibling, have the parent try the following techniques:
1. Help the child to verbalize feelings.
When children are able to verbalize their feelings, they are much better equipped to (a) understand them and (b) deal with them. However, verbalizing feelings is not an easy process for children. For example, can you imagine a child saying? Mom, Dad, I’ve been feeling a little neglected and insecure since my little brother got here and I really could use a little more attention. Specifically, I’d like us to spend more one-on-one time playing together like we used to. YES OF COURSE! Children are much more likely to vent their frustrations. Only through practice and training can a child learn to verbally describe her emotions and needs.
2. Pay attention to what is right and what is good, ignore what is bad.
Children want attention, and although it seems the other way around, bad attention is better than no attention. Therefore, a good way for parents to improve a child’s behavior is to pay attention to the good and good behaviors and ignore the bad ones.
For example, if your child is behaving while putting on his shoes, tell him: Thanks honey. I’m so proud of how well you’re doing quietly putting on your shoes when asked. If your child misbehaves by making a fuss, ignore the behavior and pay no more attention to it.
3. Show the child the privileges of age.
All adults recognize that age has its privileges, but children don’t always see it that way, especially when there’s a baby who gets a lot of attention. A good technique to suggest to parents is to point out all the privileges of age to older siblings. What are they getting because they are older? If they’re not getting many, give them some! Also, a great privilege of being a big sibling is that you get to hold and care for a baby who will always look up to his big brother or sister.
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