It is not unusual for me to hear from wives who have been told that it is “too late” to save their marriage. Their husbands have often decided that the marriage is over and the time has passed to save it. But rarely do wives who contact me agree to this. They often tell me it’s not over for them. And don’t think it’s too late either. I often hear comments like, “So he decides if it’s over and if it’s too late? I have no say in this?” Or “he says it’s too late for us, but I don’t think it is. If he really tried instead of giving up, I think we could make it.”
This is indeed a very frustrating situation. He can feel quite irritating when you know in your heart that something is true when you can’t convince him of the same. But, he has something to say and he apparently thinks it’s over and it’s too late. So where does this leave you? Well, while you can’t forcibly change someone’s mind, you can set up the situation so that this change is more likely to happen. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Do I have to accept it if my husband says that it is too late for our marriage?: This is one of the most common questions I get asked. Nobody wants to accept something that he himself did not think or does not believe. However, with that said, it is important to understand that you cannot force someone to change their mind and hope for a positive long-term resolution. This will often cause resentment and additional problems.
And, last ditch efforts that may seem necessary and sensible can often backfire as well. Arguing, trying to guilt-trip, pleading, or playing games based on negative emotions will often only throw more negativity into an already negative situation. You always have to be very aware of how your husband is perceiving the situation. If he just sees more of the same, or worse, changes that aren’t sincere, he’s unlikely to change his mind.
And more than this, often when he sees that you are trying to change his mind, he might be even more determined not to change it, so he actually comes to believe in his position even more. While I think you don’t have to blindly accept that it’s too late for your marriage, I also think that sometimes it’s smart not to try to do it all at once.
Some wives will accept nothing less than their husband proclaiming that it is not too late as early as tomorrow. And while this would be great, it’s not always realistic and if she pushes you too soon, you’ll often risk making the situation worse and making her job even more difficult.
Changing your perceptions so you start to wonder if it’s really too late?: I talk to men in this situation quite regularly. Many of them have the perception that there is nothing more that can be done because they feel like they have tried everything and yet nothing really changes enough to make a real difference. Sure, there may be some short-term changes, but somehow, you always seem to fall back into old patterns and behaviors.
And at some point, many of these husbands realize that this is not how they want to live the rest of their lives. They hear you suggest advice or work on your problems, but the thing is they don’t think any of that is going to work. So you’ll often have to show them rather than tell them that real change can happen without either of you having to make big concessions that aren’t all that appealing.
Sometimes I tell wives that instead of focusing so much on whether it’s too late or he thinks his time is up, instead focus on how he perceives you and the marriage. It’s often better for you to make small improvements over time rather than pressuring you to define your time frame.
When is it really too late for your marriage?: This, of course, is the central question and the answer will be individual for each couple. People often tell me that they think it’s really over because they’re getting ready to move or file for divorce. Or they tell me that one of the spouses is very angry with the other. None of these necessary things means it’s too late in my opinion. I think that as long as there are some feelings (even if they are negative at the moment), there is always a change to change things.
I have seen couples who have almost divorced or have decided that there is still time for them. To me, the biggest indicator that it’s really over is that BOTH people are indifferent. In other words, they are both at the point where there is no anger, animosity, or confusion because both people can clearly see that despite their best efforts, they just couldn’t make it work.
However, this is rarely the scenario I get asked about. Usually the wife is still very involved in her marriage and saving him. And in my opinion, as long as a person is still involved and willing to try things to change those perceptions that I talked about, there’s always a chance.