I recently received an email from a wife who was separated from her husband. He hadn’t moved in yet, but he was definitely heading there. The two were having a difficult time communicating positively and this was impeding their ability to attempt a reconciliation. The wife was sure she wanted to fix things, but the husband was no longer so sure.
He was starting to drop hints that the two of them might be better off breaking up and that he was tired of all the drama when things always ended in the same negative way. The wife hoped there were some things she could do to help stop this cycle and change her husband’s mind. She hoped that if he gave in a little bit and was remotely receptive, the two of them could start to gain some ground and make things better. The wife wanted advice on the best way to handle this. I will tell you what I told him in the next article.
Before you start trying a reconciliation, give your husband a chance to calm down. Enter some distance and space: In this situation, it is very common for the spouse to want to leave the house. And often, the spouse who wants to save the marriage will fight tooth and nail. But sometimes if you can control time and distance, allowing this process can be a smart move.
Often times, we get so caught up in the emotions of the situation that we are not objective enough to see what needs to be done, since everything seems so immediate. Often after giving the situation some space, the objectivity it needs becomes possible. This does not mean that one of you should leave. It just means that they can offer each other a little space and a cooling off period for a few days or weeks. You can go back or stay with friends, whichever is more acceptable to you.
Following him and scolding him to see things your way and to talk about it will not work if he is not willing to listen. To establish your best chances of success, you will need him to eventually get on board. But if this is not happening right now, you better not push it because your insights will directly help (or harm) your cause. It is important that you paint yourself in the best light. And since things can be volatile right now, inserting a break in this situation will often help.
Prepare for small improvements before pushing for full reconciliation: People often see this situation as one that is all or nothing. This is usually the wrong approach. You will often see much better results if you focus your attention first on improving the way you interact. Like I said, you will need him to be receptive to you. This is much more likely to happen if you are not pushing him and trying to have the tough discussions or making the tough changes too soon.
Focus on the little things first. Try to improve the interactions between you. It is important that you can become friends again so that both of you are not protected and walk on eggshells every time you interact. This has likely turned into a very negative cycle that you need to break. You must show him that each encounter with you is not going to end badly and that it is really safe for him to interact with you and listen to what you say, since you are no longer going to engage in a negative way.
Over time, the fights, misunderstandings, and awkwardness should start to fade. And only when this happens, you need to start worrying about moving slowly.
Go back to go forward: Once you’re back on acting friendly, you’ll want to start focusing on your romantic bond and intimacy. Next, you’ll want to brainstorm the things that brought you together and brought you together in the beginning. You must get these things back so that you once again connect on a positive level. There are many reasons for this, but the most important one is that you are likely to get a lot more cooperation and a better result with this strategy. After all, when you were dating and “in love” you probably didn’t dwell on your problems and quickly resolved them when they arose. He did this because he didn’t want anything to interfere with the positive feedback he was receiving.
That is not to say that you will not have to solve your problems. But this doesn’t have to be difficult and the main focus so that you don’t get the cooperation you need. Also, you may find it much easier if you restore friendship and intimacy first. This often takes time and small wins, and often requires you to back off a bit before attempting to move forward.