I was talking to a prospective client the other night, and he mentioned how their relationship of a few years had stalled. He said you know, like every relationship that’s lasted 10 years or so. I had to laugh. Not all relationships are doomed after 10 years. In fact, there are many relationships that have lasted more than 10 years and are thriving. Not only do I see this in my professional life, but 15 years later, my wife and I have never been closer.
I kept talking to this young man about “Get The Got.” I talk about this often. Many couples stop trying when they find the person they were dating. It starts when they stop going out and doing new and exciting things. They spend time together, but they are not together. They are on the phone or the computer. They talk to each other and not to each other. They start to spend more time with friends than with their partner. Sex and intimacy die. And finally, they no longer make eye contact. Now what? You lose “The Got”.
I’m not sure if I was surprised that her perception of a long-term relationship was just cohabitation. But the trend I’m noticing is that younger couples lack the interpersonal skills to keep them engaged. This is not to say that older couples don’t break up, because they do. But true intimacy seems to be a skill that the 30-and-under crowd is having a hard time with. And I’m not just talking about establishing a relationship. I’m talking about this entire generation of Netflix and chill.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with going out and experimenting with a lot of people and having fun. {Just be careful.} In fact, I think it’s very healthy. I am referring specifically to those who have had those experiences and constantly complain that love does not last. However, when you ask them what they do to keep the relationship fresh, they say something like “I’m the same person I was when we first started dating.” That’s great, but if you’re the same person you were 5 years ago, what new skills are you bringing to the relationship?
Relationships don’t have to be complicated. Continue to invest in your “haves.” But go one step further and invest in yourself too. Many couples break up because one invests in himself and the other doesn’t. What I find really interesting is that couples don’t even have to have the same interest growing up. They just need to grow. The simple fact of becoming a complete human being often excites his “gotten”. Learning new things and having different experiences often brings couples together.
Think about it. When you first date, you want to know everything about the other person. You really enjoy listening to their stories. What happens when you run out of stories and neither of you brings anything new to the table? Privacy is lost. To maintain your “have” you are going to have to grow. Either together or alone. We long for connection. But, do we work to preserve it? We want privacy. But are we willing to put the work in? We want a lasting relationship. But are we willing to treat our “gets” as if we still need to get them?
I do not have all the answers. But I know that if we want to keep our “haves”, we have to work for it. And we should. Part of the process is self-exploration. Because if we don’t call ourselves in our own BS, we are leaving that task to our “got”. And just like when we first started dating, we came up with our “A” game. Just because we have our “haves” doesn’t mean they deserve less now.