Many of us live our lives on automatic pilot. We exist day by day programmed like an automaton and we never consider the options we have. We let our old habits dominate what we do and think. We’ve walked the same familiar, well-trodden path for so long that we assume that’s what life is all about. We accept it without realizing it and we don’t think it could be better or different. We can become so ingrained in our old habits that we don’t even realize that we are not living, but just surviving.
If you think about it, many of us have spent most of our lives operating on the basis of a series of false beliefs. These beliefs can make us feel as if we are in some way inadequate. We learned to say and do things to keep the peace and make others happy. But who is working to make us happy? This task, my friends, is ours and ours alone. Researchers suggest that our ability to be congruent with ourselves and with others is linked to our happiness.
When we are congruent with ourselves, our inner world matches our outer world. We are our “authentic self”. Being our authentic self is about reconnecting with who we are. It’s about being honest with ourselves. It is about our thoughts (inner world), words and actions (outer world) coinciding. It’s about honoring our feelings and having the confidence to express them. It’s about going deep inside and letting go of false beliefs, which no longer serve us.
Individuals who are controlled by their negatively programmed false beliefs often want to please others about themselves. They also have a hard time being authentic. It can be scary to do or say things that go against the norm, the tried and true. Our ability to be authentic is often challenged in our relationships, where we find ourselves discarding our own wants and needs to make room for what we think others want. We fear the repercussions of our words and actions. “Will you still accept me if I tell my truth?” “What will happen if I say no?”
Being authentic allows us to love and accept ourselves at our core, to do what makes us happy, and to follow our passions no matter who we disappoint. Doing so can leave us vulnerable, but at the same time, it allows the creation of intimate and genuine relationships full of unconditional love.
How does it feel to love ourselves? It’s about treating ourselves with kindness, concern, and compassion. It’s about not judging ourselves harshly or punishing ourselves for every mistake we make. It’s about being warm and understanding, acknowledging our shortcomings and imperfections, and responding to them with the same level of support and respect that we freely offer to others. It’s about us liking who we are, lock, stock, and barrel.
Self-love forces us to act with our best interest in mind and challenges us to ask, “Why not?” As they say, what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Imagine the inner strength you will develop by flexing this muscle.
We naturally love ourselves when we have the right self-worth and self-worth. These things allow us to be internally whole and allow us to interact with the world as our authentic selves. There is another thing that is required to love ourselves. It requires us to go beyond our fears. It requires us to have the courage to feel our feelings and honor them, where they can lead us.
We have to be willing to risk showing our true selves, complete with all our imperfections, flaws, and insecurities when we are our authentic selves. We have to accept who we are rather than what we think we should be. We also have to be prepared to love ourselves enough to accept the costs and consequences that our words and actions can have on others. It may hurt in the moment, but in hindsight, many realize that it was the best and smartest thing they ever did. Being authentic creates a foundation where we can begin to experience joy and happiness in everything we do every day of our life.
Excerpt from: The Dysfunctional Dance of the Empath and the Narcissist
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