Today, it is not uncommon for the term “fear of intimacy” to be used. In general, someone is more likely to use this term to describe another person than to describe themselves.
One of the reasons for this is that it is usually easier for someone to detect this in others than it is in themselves. This boils down to the fact that they will have a mind that will see themselves as mere observers of their life, rather than co-creators of it.
an obstacle
As a result of this, someone can endlessly attract people who are emotionally unavailable and not step back to see if they are playing a role in what is going on. These people will be at fault as they will have no control over what is happening.
There may be times when this allows you to feel better, and even more evolved, than these people, but it is likely to make you feel totally powerless when it comes to this area of your life. For them to change their lives, it will be essential that they take a step back and see what role they are playing in what is happening.
The meaning
However, when this term is used, it is going to mean that someone is afraid of getting emotionally close to another person. So while they will be able to share both their mind and body with another human being, that will be as far as possible.
Opening your heart and emotionally connecting with another person (forming an emotional bond with them) will be a challenge. They may not be able to do this, or if it happens, they may soon end up shutting down (further) and/or moving away.
An experience
Now, if someone responds in this way when approaching another, it does not mean that they are aware of what is happening. If this happens, then they might believe that the other person is too needy and stifling or that they just don’t like the other person.
So, if they’ve had this experience on a number of occasions, they might believe that people are too needy or not cut out for relationships that are too deep. In both cases, it will show that they lack self-awareness, and as things stand, they won’t have the self-awareness to achieve it.
another experience
For someone else, someone who wants to have a deeper relationship with another person, might have a hard time understanding why they end up shutting down and/or feel the need to walk away. They may also find it difficult to connect with them emotionally early on.
If they were to investigate what is going on, they might come to the conclusion that they have a fear of intimacy and might even believe that there is something wrong with their ability to emotionally connect with another person. After this, they could investigate what they can do to let go of this fear of intimacy.
going deeper
This could simply be a fear that they can let go of by changing their mindset and questioning what they believe, for example. On the other hand, simply changing what’s going on in your mind (above) might not be enough.
The reason for this is that what is happening in your body (below) could be playing a big role in how you currently experience life. Put another way, there is a strong possibility that they are experiencing trauma.
connecting the dots
If they can’t recall a time in their life when they felt overwhelmed and like they had no control, it could indicate that they experienced trauma very early on. Not being able to remember what happened is due to at least two reasons.
First, they may have been too young to remember, and second, their minds may have blocked out what happened to protect them. And, how they feel might even relate to how they felt while in their mother’s womb, oddly enough.
a closer look
If they experienced early trauma, it may show that they had at least one caregiver who couldn’t give them the attunement they needed as babies. Consequently, they may have regularly felt suffocated and trapped by your attention and as if they were going to be annihilated (to die).
As a result, or in conjunction with this, they may also have experienced some form of abuse and/or neglect. In both cases, their boundaries would have been violated and shutting down would have been the only way to deal with the pain they were in.
the body remembers
The years will have passed but how they felt all those years ago will have remained within them. Getting close to another person will subconsciously remind them of what happened when they were younger.
Early arousal will kick in and once again shutting down and/or walking away will be one way to deal with it. This trauma will make it more or less impossible for them to remain emotionally present and connect deeply with another person.
Awareness
The experiences they had as children will also have affected their ability to trust and be comfortable with their vulnerability. Ultimately, what they fear has already happened, but since they are still in a traumatized state, they cannot put what happened behind them and realize that they survived what happened.
Dealing with all this excitement will be essential if one is ever to have a deep and satisfying relationship with another person. When it comes to working through this arousal, the help of a therapist or healer will probably be needed.