Every relationship has conflict. You simply cannot put two human beings together for an extended period of time, let alone several years, and never develop any conflict. Unfortunately, many couples simply don’t know how to manage conflict and resolve it effectively when it occurs. Without those skills, your relationship will continue to be a struggle for both of you.
Unresolved conflict is like a cut finger that gets infected. Even if it starts out very small, it can quickly become very painful and cause a lot of distress. Cleaning the wound can be painful at first, but it is necessary if the wound is ever to heal.
Unresolved conflict is very destructive and can ultimately destroy your relationship. But if you learn to make some changes in your approach, you will resolve conflicts in your relationship much faster and more smoothly.
Keep in mind that if you are fighting, you must fight fair. Fighting dirty is similar to punching your partner. It will make him angry and he may retaliate (or withdraw) in response. If it’s hard for the two of you to talk without it escalating into a fight, set some ground rules that you both agree to. So stick with them! It won’t be easy, but it will make a world of difference in your relationship!
Here are some guidelines to help you out (some have been mentioned above, but bear repeating):
• Keep calm. ALWAYS. This is not going to be easy, but it is one of the most important things you can do when trying to resolve a conflict that is affecting your relationship. When your partner hurts you or gets angry, if you stay calm, you can disarm them and they are more likely to withdraw. It will also help prevent your conversation from escalating (because it takes two for that to happen!).
• Really listen to what your partner is saying, as well as what you are communicating non-verbally. If he’s particularly angry, chances are he really wants you to listen to him. If he hasn’t in the past, now is the time to start. Let me finish before answering.
Truly listening is a way of showing courtesy and respect. You may have been impatient to respond or have become defensive and reactive, hoping to jump sideways rather than really paying attention.
• Never interrupt or try to speak over your partner. I know I’ve said this a couple of times before, but I can’t stress it enough. This is a great way to anger him, as he is very disrespectful and clearly conveys the message that he believes his words are more important than yours. Also, it is very rude behavior.
• Do not bring up past hurts or mistakes.. Leave the past in the past. Bringing it up again is never productive and will only widen the gap between you. It also gives the impression that you are keeping score. And it will almost inevitably put your partner on the defensive.
• Resolve your conflicts in private. When you confront your partner or try to talk about relationship issues, doing so when other people are around will not only be very awkward, but it can make your partner feel like you’ve set him up. Give both your partner and each other the courtesy of keeping these matters between the two of you.
• Don’t get into childish fights. Calling names, bullying, or luring friends into taking your side, for example, are behaviors that at best belong on an elementary school playground, not in an adult relationship.
• Assume your role in the conflict. Blaming everything on your partner will get you nowhere (except maybe being alone).
• Don’t take the position that your partner is wrong and you are right. Being right is highly overrated, and the need to always be right will make you a very undesirable partner. Strive for understanding, mutual resolution, and kindness instead.
• Always try to find the grain of truth (even if it seems very small) in whatever your partner says. It’s most likely not entirely your fault and therefore you probably have some valid points. Listen to them and acknowledge their agreement.
• Don’t use extreme words like “always” or “never” to describe any of your partner’s behaviors. Not only are these highly unlikely to be true, but they will take advantage of your partner’s desire to stop opening up.
It takes two to tango and both must take charge of their part in the conflict.
If you really want to save your marriage, you can discuss these guidelines with your partner and ask if they agree that they are reasonable. If he does, ask if he will agree to follow you every time you have a potentially heated conversation.