For the benefit of those who may be totally oblivious to the subject, I want to first explain the meaning of the cold war and its origins, and then link it to marriage.
The cold war is a state of political hostility between countries and is characterized by deals, boasting and other measures besides open warfare. It is also said to be the state of hostility that existed between the Soviet Union and the Western powers led by the United States from 1945 to 1991, which is the period between the end of World War II and the collapse of the Soviet Union. History holds that the United States (USA) and the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) were allies during World War II. This means that these two nations were partners.
But due to their different ways of thinking and method of government, they did not believe in each other and a strained relationship ensued as they tried to prove each other’s ideology was the best. Some historians believe that the hostility between these two countries ended with the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, while some have another date for the end.
Now, for these two countries, the US and the USSR, having been allies means that somehow they had an understanding and a common goal, which was to defeat the Germans and their allies in the war. Once the gold was achieved, they began to see flaws in each other’s methods of operation.
Does the above narrative sound similar to the events that occur in marital relationships? Yes! Now let’s try to define the cold war in marriage. It is an opposition or rivalry between couples that is not expressed openly.
Think of a situation where you marry someone with the goal of building a happy home together. Then a misunderstanding occurs at some point in the relationship and there is a strong argument between you about who is right and who is wrong. Neither of you accepts blame because you both think you’re right. So everyone continues to harbor false or wrong feelings of accusation and rejection and decides to handle things the way they think is right.
Imagine that, in the middle, you say things that really hurt your spouse and he or she promises never to forgive. Many times these misunderstandings or discussions cause many couples to keep their distance. Some will not speak to each other for a long time, but will still be together in the same house. The period of time between these arguments and the time when both of you are deliberating over who will make the first apologetic move is also called the cold war.
Marriage was meant for mature, responsible adults, and it is very pathetic to see couples who allow minor domestic or social challenges to grow to the point of shutting each other down. It is utter evil, total immaturity, and a sure sign of irresponsibility for partners to nurture abusive feelings for a long time without exposing it to settlement. Someone has to start the peace movement.
How would you like a situation where your wife, for example, after preparing your meal, walks past you and throws the food on the dining room table without saying a word to let you know that your food is ready? How would you feel if your husband told you that everything is fine even when he is not giving you the attention you need? Why should a wife reject her husband’s sexual advances with the excuse that she is sick only because there is alleged abuse by the man, which she has not expressed? Why should she prolong the apology acceptance time just in the name of trying to teach her spouse a lesson?
Let me tell you this story about a couple who weren’t speaking to each other due to an unresolved misunderstanding, but turned to writing as a form of communication. Then one day the husband wrote to his wife to wake him up as early as the next morning as he had a very important appointment to keep. At 6 am the next morning, the wife dropped a note on the husband’s bed with the writing ‘wake up, it’s 6 am’. The man did not wake up until 7 am and, as a result, he was unable to keep the appointment. When he woke up in anger to confront his wife for not waking him up like she told him to, the woman told him to go check the note she dropped on her bed.
That was the end of their cold war, but then they missed a date that changed their lives.
You should not wait to witness the dilemma of the cold war in your relationship, as you may not be able to gather the rubble of its destruction. Have respect for each other and handle every difference maturely. Tell your partner when you’re offended and accept an apology as soon as they offer it and move on.
The sooner you resolve your differences and end the cold war, the safer and sweeter your marriage will be, and now is the time to do it.