Teenagers are hard to raise. It is a time when their behavior is impulsive, they are likely to take risks, and they are separating from their parents in their struggle for independence. These years are difficult for all parents. However, a troubled young man tears a family apart. Everyone in the family loses out unless parents use effective strategies to help their teen and themselves get the help they need to make a difference.
Often times, teen substance abuse is the immediate issue your troubled teens struggle with. Teen alcoholism and teen drug abuse must be treated first. Teen drug and alcohol abuse is too dangerous to ignore. Once the adolescent is sober, it is important to assess what other problems are present that may underlie the substance abuse (depression, anxiety, etc.).
Here is an example of an edge case from my practice:
YL was a 16 year old boy in my office who showed very little respect for his parents. He abused drugs and alcohol, did poorly in school, and eventually ran away. He was picked up by the police in a different city where he was caught urinating on a building. His parents sent him to a teen wilderness camp in another country, where he did better in a highly structured environment where boundaries were strictly enforced.
He learned impulse control skills in this type of environment that helped him after the program ended. Not all teenagers, of course, are so difficult. His parents had to learn the strategies I have outlined below to help the family situation when he returned.
Here are the top 10 ways to deal with a troubled youth with or without teen substance abuse:
- If the teen is abusing substances (either teen alcoholism or teen drug abuse), it is important to take your teen to a medical professional who is familiar with addiction treatment (most family doctors and pediatricians have some familiarity with (a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction would also be a great choice). A doctor can help determine the level of abuse to determine if detoxification or rehabilitation is necessary.
- Clear limits must be established. For example, if teen abuses substances and your teen relapses, there must be a clear action plan (return to a 12-step program, take prescription drugs, etc.), no car, no cell phone, or going out freely with friends until your teen has proven to be on the road to recovery.
- Negotiate with your teen the consequences for breaking curfews, using drugs or alcohol, paying high bills for text messages, skipping class, or doing poorly in school. Make sure these consequences are clear, whether you are taking away the internet, cell phone, or car.
- Be a good role model. If you drink and drive, you can expect your child to do the same. If your child sees you drink and verbally abuse him, he is setting a pattern for your teen to follow suit. If you lie to your teen, your teen will learn to lie. Conversely, if you are honest and fair with your teen, you will have a positive influence.
- Get involved in your teen’s life. Ask who your teen’s friends are. Know what your teen’s interests are. What kind of music does your child like? What are your favorite subjects in school? What TV shows are they watching? Your favorite YouTube videos?
- Keep your teen in structured activities like sports and music. Participating in a sport or learning to play a musical instrument is healthy and builds good self-esteem. Too much unstructured time is no friend to your teen.
- Dinner together as a family. Eating as a family actually results in less substance abuse by teens.
- Talk to your teen in an open and calm way. Yelling or reading will turn your teen off.
- Praise any positive progress your teen makes. Her teenager still seeks her approval even though she will never admit it.
- be your teenage son relative, not your friend. Your teen needs you to be consistent but firm to help them through this time of emotional turmoil.
Early in my psychiatric practice, I observed that parents who acted more like friends to their adolescent children than parents had the most troublesome children. Your teen needs loving parents who treat them with respect and who can set appropriate limits.
Stay involved. Be open in your communication with your teen. Watch for changes in behavior. Don’t ignore substance abuse. Be nutritious. Have fun with family. Your teenager needs you more than ever in this dance of parting with you.