If you want an excellent formula to communicate the incorrect Somehow, it can be summed up as, “Nag-nag-nag,” then continue with a bit of “whine-whine-whine” and finish it off with a garnish of “wind-wind-wind.” “If you follow the scolding/whining/venting formula, you will surely end up single or unhappy.
If you don’t want that kind of life, or find yourself caught in a downward spiral in that regard, there is still hope for you. Don’t drop the ball, but take a lesson from Toby the chihuahua, a dog rescued from a home that was unbelievably… well, he didn’t deserve to have a dog of any kind, but that’s where we come in.
So what does Toby in Google Earth have to do with your marriage? Well, nothing and everything, really. Look, I found out that Toby has a bit of a little dog complex. His self-esteem was damaged quite severely, and I suspect there is more to the story than we were told. He is absolutely terrified of men, which is saying a lot.
He keeps his tail between his legs, or used to, and wouldn’t let me into my own house if I could help it. He would bark and, like a puppy, “scream” at me to get out of the house. It all came down to his low self-esteem, his fears, his inability to communicate, or our inability to properly understand him.
That’s the connection, right there.
Because after a few weeks of caring for him, listening to him, giving him space when he needed it, and actually speaking his language, we were able to bring him out of his shell and help him become a real member of the family.
I’m sure it’s the same in your marriage as it is in mine, just as it was with our little Toby. We all want to be heard. Listen to each other before you speak.
If your wife is “barking” at you, get under the bark and make it a priority. Affirm her needs, listen to her, give her what she has been “barking at” you to do. For me, it has been stabilizing finances. Control! She has also taken her out of the workforce so she can be the stay-at-home queen of the household. Control!
For you, what is it? Maybe it’s her husband, what has she been complaining about? Also get to the root of the real problems, not just the symptoms. That’s a key: don’t put a Band-Aid on a cancer. Get to the cause of the cancer and remove it, whatever the tumor.
In your marriage, what makes you angry? With our Toby, we found that my booming voice didn’t help at all. It doesn’t take long for Toby to chicken out, so I know I screwed up when his tail sinks between his legs. What made me angry? His potty training. Solution? Take it out more often.
It’s a simplified view of things, sure, but what is it that “closes” your wife or husband? Money? Esteem? I respect? Privacy? Take Toby’s lesson and really investigate how you can avoid shutting each other down.
Another tip is to not use sarcasm to communicate. Don’t play the passive/aggressive circumlocution schtick. Rather, shoot straight and smooth. Anger is not a form of communication, it is a barrier to it. You’d be surprised how a soft, calm response in the middle of a firefight can really disarm a heated spouse. If your spouse doesn’t take the bait, don’t worry, change takes time.
Develop an “I’m not adding fuel to this fire” attitude, and you’ll be well on your way to “fireproofing” your marriage. She chooses instead words that build up instead of tear down. Encourage, don’t discourage, and when she feels like venting, she takes a step back and says, “I need to talk about this later, I’m getting angrier.”
It sounds simple, but it works. It sure beats the alternative: an escalation in pitch.